Emotional Intelligence and Our “Private Self”

Written by Renée Safrata - renee@reneevations.com, August 14th, 2009

This weekend I went to see Julie & Julia. Loved it! It got me thinking about “The Feedback Self Disclosure Matrix,” a tool that can help all of us – particularly CEOs and senior managers – create deeper connections and better results in our businesses and with our teams.

This matrix is based on the foundations of the Johari Window model that was developed by American psychologists Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in the 1950s. The Matrix is comprised of four quadrants.

Each quadrant represents a part of our self, representing particular behaviours, feelings, motivations that are known by (self) and about the person (other).

At the bottom of the illustration you see how the four different quadrants of the ‘self’ can be altered in size reflecting the relevant proportions of each type of ‘knowledge’ of/about a particular person.

The four quadrants of our “Self” are Private, Public, Blind and Unknown.

The horizontal axis shows how much a person asks for & receives feedback.

The vertical axis measure the amount the person self-discloses & gives feedback.

This dynamic feedback model illustrates:

• People with high emotional intelligence (large ‘public self’ – orange box) ask for feedback, give feedback and self disclose often.  They have well-developed public personas.
• Those who are protected (large ‘private self’ – green box) keep ‘what they know about themselves’ private. These individuals rarely choose to self-disclose.  Their Private Selves are large, making it difficult for colleagues to comfortably collaborate and communicate with them. These individuals often control the flow of conversation by asking many questions. They rarely share their own experience. So, they don’t get much feedback so their Emotional Intelligence is suspect.
• Aggressive (large ‘blind self’ – yellow box) give plenty of feedback but don’t ask for it a lot – their Blind Selves dominate.  They aren’t as aware of themselves or environment. This hampers their ability to work collaboratively or take in feedback from others. They have a low level of Emotional Intelligence.
• The Well of Potential (large ‘unknown self’ – brown box) these folks neither ask for feedback, nor give much feedback – if they started to open up, they would experience a great deal of professional and personal growth because they would be developing their Emotional Intelligence.

After seeing Julie & Julia, my girlfriend left the theater inspired to do more cooking – I left with the realization that this blog is a perfect vehicle for me to self-disclose. I can decrease my ‘private self’ while increasing my ‘public self’. As I write this I realize that will take additional courage on my part – yikes. I’ll get feedback!

I’m rarely at a loss for words. I think nothing of standing in front of 500 people to lead a professional development seminar. But spilling my guts in front of a video camera to post a new blog is scary. I get the shakes even writing this!

Back to the movie …

Julie trembled in her boots as she blogged about her frustrations, joys and commitment to learn how to cook the Julia Child way. She opened her Private Self to make her experience more public. I connected with her more deeply because of it.

Executives with high emotional intelligence are better able to lead and motivate their people.

Sharing their Private Selves is an important behavior.  I realized that just standing up in front of a room and blogging are public activities, but it doesn’t automatically mean I’m revealing or connecting.

There is learning here for me, as there is for the CEO’s, sr. managers and executives that I work with.

Lets drop the hesitation. Pick-up a bit of courage. Boost our Emotional Intelligence. So, we’ll no longer miss an opportunity to gain more feedback and build deeper connections.

I’m committed to doing so – thanx Julie!

With time, courage, and your feedback, I’ll explore my Unknown Self, become more comfortable with my new Public Self, and get better results through improved Emotional Intelligence.

Are you comfortable sharing your Private Self in your business life? Think it might be important to develop your Emotional Intelligence? What do you think?
Download Feedback-Self Disclosure Matrix

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1. Emotional Intelligence – What the heck is it??
2. Twitter does wonders for business
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4. Emotional Intelligence Series #6 – Life is an Energy Management Game
5. Emotional Intelligence Series #7: Leadership Assertiveness and the Importance of the Vision!